I’ve recently begun getting a lot of emails about online chatting, flirting, cyber affairs, etc. People want to know if they should consider this cheating or worry that much about it. Most people are not able to excuse it and see it for what it is – your spouse getting their needs met somewhere else than with you. But, many are confused as to put a stop to it when the spouse who is doing it claims that it “means nothing” and tells you that you are overreacting. In the following article, I’ll tell you how to begin to put a stop to this destructive behavior.
Why You Should Be Concerned About Cyber Cheating – No Matter What Your Husband Is Telling You: A man will almost always downplay this behavior as meaning nothing. He’ll tell you that he’s fully aware that the person on the other end of the computer is probably a bald, fat, middle aged guy. But, still, this doesn’t stop him from continuing to engage in it, now does it? He’s obviously able to suspend his disbelief enough to keep right on going with it. This is concerning. He know that this is troubling to you and yet he continues on – which is indicative of disconnect.
Sure, there are many chats that don’t lead to any thing. But some do. And the very least, he is getting his needs met with someone other than you. He is spending his time inappropriately, often in secret, and he is confiding in, interacting with, and engaging with someone other than you. This can really deteriorate a relationship over time as he moves further and further away. I’ve never heard anyone convincingly say “man, my online chatting sure has improved my marriage.” It’s important that you understand why he does this, communicate that it’s unacceptable to you, and to offer alternatives.
Understanding What Your Husband Is Getting Out Of These Online Chats And How To Provide Alternatives: When the economy continues to trend down, we are seeing much more of this type of behavior. The truth of the matter is that online chatting relieves stress for a lot of men. It allows them some sense of escape because when they are chatting, they can be someone else entirely. They are not the guy who is worried about losing his job. They are not worried about aging or about taking out the trash. They can be younger, more handsome, more successful, etc. In short, it gives him a slight high and thrill and it’s likely that in his mind, he’s not hurting anyone. In his mind, it’s sort of like blowing off steam by having a drink or too. Sure, drinking is not the healthiest thing, but sometimes, it’s a stress reliever.
But, where men fail to connect the dots is that there are few stress relievers that are as destructive to a marriage as cyber infidelity. They think it’s harmless, but it is not at all harmless to you and you need to be very clear about this when you talk to him about it. Tell him that you understand his need for escape and stress relief, but you are asking him to find a healthier and marriage friendly alternative.
It’s helpful to keep him busy and engaged so that he doesn’t have time for this. If he’s connected with you and knows that he can have some engaging down time with his wife that also relieves stress, then he will not be as likely to look elsewhere. Find some things that he really enjoys that you can share with him. Sure, you may not love sporting events or “guy stuff” but it’s a better alternative to him chatting away from some other woman.
How To Make Sure That He’s Really Stopped The Online Chatting: Truthfully, this can be a hard habit for men to break. Some will wait until you go to sleep. They might just do it at the office or on their cell phone. It’s advisable to give them the benefit of the doubt, but if you’re seeing those isolated behaviors that make you suspect that something that is up, you can check up on him with software. There is cheap and undetectable software (that will run about $ 20), that will allow you to see exactly what’s happening on his phone and computer. You will see what he’s visited and what he’s typed. You can print this out and you don’t need passwords or any special access. Of course, as I said you want to give him the benefit of the doubt if he’s not given you a reason to question him. But if your alarm bells are still going off, then you’d be wise to check. If you’re wrong, no one needs to know that but you and you will be relieved with knowing for sure.
I was in this same situation a short time ago. His online chatting lead to actual, in person cheating. I tried to confront my husband too soon, before I had proof, and of course he denied everything. I tried to believe him, but the doubts remained. I decided that I really wanted to know the truth, no matter what that truth was. I learned how to get concrete information and proof that my husband thought that he had hid and erased. Once I presented this to him, he had no choice but to come clean. You can read my very personal story at http://catch-the-cheating.com/
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